REAL TALK with DeMo: The Ultimate Thrill Ride?

So this weekend is the showcase of the immortals, the show of shows, the one show all wrestling fans casual and hardcore alike look forward to. That’s right its WRESTLEMANIA!!!!

And ummmmm im kinda lukewarm on the whole thing this year. This year’s card, more than ever feels way too formulaic and predictable. Everything seems aimed to appease the type of fan who only came in to watch within the last month or two and wont watch anymore two weeks after Mania. Well that is until next year when Mania season comes. There’s no true long form programs reaching their climax and none of the matches IMHO have any real weight to them that could mean something for the fans who will be watching in the months afterwards.

First off let’s talk about the fact that we have a show that starts at 5pm and will likely go to maybe 12am. Im sorry but as much as I love wrestling, a show that goes that long, especially given the fact that I just viewed 3hrs of RAW on Monday, 2hrs of SmackDown on Tuesday, 1hr of 205 LIVE after SmackDown, 30 mins of Talking Smack after that, 1hr NXT on Wednesday, Bring it to the Table on Thursday, Hall of Fame on Friday, and then NXT Takeover on Saturday night….well I guess you get the point. There’s going to be a bit of WWE fatigue by the time Sunday comes.

Then to have to sit through performances by Pitbull, Flo Rida, and more. It’s just a bit too much. Especially when these musical acts extend the show’s length and also bump good matches off the main card. But let’s go over that card and give my predictions and opinions.

PRE-SHOW

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal: Yes there’s a whole lot of names in this match. But none of them matter because the man who WILL WIN this has to be Braun Strowman. They have pushed this man as a monster for the better part of a year, then fed him to Roman Reigns which hurt him. So he needs this win to continue to be seen as legitimate.

SmackDown Women’s Title Six Pack Challenge Alexa Bliss v Naomi v Mickie James v Carmella v Natalya v Becky Lynch: Im actually glad I waited until after last night’s SmackDown to post this because my whole opinion of this match changed with the return of Naomi. At first I felt that maybe Asuka from NXT would be coming up as a surprise seeing as how she worked the SmackDown house shows leading up to the event. But Naomi’s return and now the match being made into a six pack challenge eliminates that idea. So with this being her hometown and she made a big return, I see Naomi taking this. If not Naomi, it will be Becky Lynch who gets the pin on Naomi, which then creates the feud going forward.

WWE Cruiserweight Title Neville v Austin Aries: Please tell me why Neville and Austin Aries are on the pre show!!!! And it’s the only cruiserweight match on the entire card? WWE has botched this whole cruiserweight deal by not letting them have time to showcase themselves. I have no doubt this match will be good, and it is the show that leads into the main card but I feel the cruiserweight division deserves better. My prediction is that Neville retains because he’s the best thing going in that division right now.

MAIN SHOW

RAW Tag Team Championship Gallows & Anderson v Enzo & Cass v Cesaro & Sheamus LADDER MATCH: These titles mean nothing. None of the teams are enjoyable. I could care less. And its not because The New Day isnt in the match, because I feel they are done anyways. My opinion is that Gallows and Anderson should retain, but the belts will likely go to Enzo and Cass as the feel good way to start the show.

Intercontinental Championship Dean Ambrose v Baron Corbin: Let’s be real, Ambrose’s star has fallen and his schtick is goofy now. This isnt the guy I believed in two years ago when he took HHH to the limit at Roadblock. This isnt the guy who had an amazing program with Rollins for a whole summer. We need him to go back to more Moxley type stuff and get away from what he’s currently doing. Corbin wins because he’s earned it.

United States Championship Chris Jericho v Kevin Owens: This has been one of the more believable programs heading into the show because we saw these two on top of the world and then the breakdown of their friendship over the last few months. I dont doubt they will put on a good show with amazing ring psychology but we all know this is Jericho doing what he does best, and thats giving new talent the rub. Owens takes the belt.

RAW Women’s Championship Bayley v Charlotte v Sasha Banks v Nia Jax Fatal Four Way Elimination Match: There’s been way too much hot potato with this belt lately. And the compelling story of Charlotte being undefeated at PPV was wasted at Fastlane, so now the only real story is when and how during the course of this match will Sasha turn on Bayley. Jax will likely go first. Then Sasha will turn on Bayley, leaving Charlotte v Sasha at the end, and Charlotte will get the job done. But the story going forward will be Sasha v Bayley to get to Charlotte.

AJ Styles v Shane McMahon: So what’s Shane going to jump off of? How lazy will his punches look. I respect the man’s work ethic, but he doesn’t have what it takes to keep up with Styles. Will be entertaining but Styles hits a springboard 450, a Styles clash, and a forearm. Match over.

HHH v Seth Rollins non-sanctioned match: I hate Rollins is hurt and almost missed Mania again. And I give HHH props for still finding a way to give Rollins a spot on the card. But dont sell shirts calling yourself Kingslayer and then lose. I think Rollins wins somehow. But I hope HHH has a bad ass entrance.

John Cena & Nikki Bella v Miz & Maryse: The Miz has been doing the best work of his career this last year, he is without a doubt one of if not the best pure heel on the entire roster. And him and Cena have been exchanging barbs the last few weeks that definitely blur the kayfabe line. I know Cena and Nikki win. Cena will likely propose afterwards, which has been the story the entire time. It will create social media and television buzz. It will be good for WWE and E! network. All brands will be satisfied.

Undertaker v Roman Reigns: Look im just gonna say it. Taker is old. It’s showing badly. I have ZERO problems with Reigns beating Taker. Dare I say I want him to win but only if this leads to full on heel Reigns. The fans are going to hate him anyways, let’s give them a reason.

Universal Championship Goldberg v Brock Lesnar: Goldberg gets gassed running to the ring and doing two moves. Get this crap outta here. Its just an attraction match thats not attractive. Lesnar wins.

WWE Championship Bray Wyatt v Randy Orton: At least the show is closing on a real match. They have gone a little overboard with some of the supernatural stuff lately but I look forward to seeing what these two can do. All these years later and Orton remains super clean and a safe worker. I would love to see Bray retain, but its looking like this might be the start of Orton’s championship run.

Thats all folks. Missing is a SmackDown Tag Title match….why? Oh because those guys are all in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. What kind of crap is that?! Look, you wanna spice up the SmackDown Tag Division? BRING UP THE REVIVAL!! Do it now.

So what do you all think?

REAL TALK with DeMo 21.0: America plays its Trump card….

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST WILL OFFEND SOME. FOR THIS I CANNOT APOLOGIZE. I AM GOING TO BE SPEAKING ON THINGS FROM A VERY SUBJECTIVE AND DEEPLY PERSONAL VIEW. I AM USING MY PAGE AS A FORUM TO EXPRESS MYSELF, TO VENT, AND TO PROMOTE OPEN DISCUSSION. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS AND READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!

It’s been a week.

For some its been a week of elation and celebration.

For others its been a week of pain and constant anxiety.

I personally fall somewhere in the middle of all this.

At first, it kind of hurt. I voted Hillary. And it wasn’t just because I wanted to feel like I was contributing to a historic milestone, or because she spoke to my plight, or even because I TRULY liked her (don’t misconstrue this please), but I voted Hillary because I COULD NOT vote for Trump. I never feared Trump, his policy (or lack thereof). But I did fear some of his supporters. Here’s why.

Trump, while he may not actually be a bad person or even remotely as bad as the media portrayed him to be, ran a very dangerous campaign. He intentionally and very openly spoke to the seedy underbelly and ugly side of America. He directly appealed to the darkest parts of the people we work and cohabitate this nation with. Our coworkers, our pastors, our doctors, our classmates, our “friends”. And win or lose, his campaign, his rhetoric, his message was bound to create a very divisive environment. But now with his win, that division is palpable or even dare I say its tangible.

What’s happened is that all those people who resonated with the most racist, vile, and “deplorable” parts of his message now feel that the leader of the greatest nation identifies with and represents them. Thus they feel justified in their open prejudices. Minorities and special interest individuals are being attacked and feeling the sudden crippling fear that this nation doesn’t truly have all the same rights for ALL of the people.

This is then exacerbated by the fact that those who aren’t openly prejudiced are trying too hard to defend themselves and say that they aren’t like those who are, instead of simply standing up against them. Which creates an even deeper problem.

But guess what? It’s not all the fault of Trump supporters or Republicans or Conservatives or the Right. The left holds lots of blame for what’s currently happening.

Democrats/Liberals are sitting around stunned over the results of this election, when they really shouldn’t be. They totally underestimated the man. In the past 5 or so years, our society has become so caught up in being politically correct and overly sensitive to virtually any type of free speech that goes against the preapproved and accepted norms. Anything out of that norm instantly causes people to become triggered. Thus they felt that there was no way that a man who spoke the way he did, or acted the way he did, or lacked experience could beat Hillary. And they got fooled. That hubris came back to bite them squarely in the ass. Donald Trump in all his pussy grabbing, tax evading, self grandiose glory, made a complete fool of the system.

Trump made people feel he would bring back their right to say what they really feel, no matter how ugly it may be. And that’s why people turned out in droves to vote for him. 58 million Americans voted for him. Does that mean that all 58 million of them are as racist as those who now feel emboldened? No. But he got a whole bunch of people who have felt unheard and unseen feel like they had a voice that spoke for them, and they hit the polls.

Hillary, from the moment she defeated Bernie Sanders to become the Democratic nominee, served to divide her own party. I won’t get into all of the well known scandals, because that’s crying over spilt milk, but it really hurts when the people she NEEDED to grasp feel like they couldn’t 100% trust her. Yeah she could throw free concerts with Jay-Z and Beyoncé. Sure she could have Bon Jovi and Lady Gaga at her rallies. And she could definitely pull lots of people at those rallies and concerts. But you know what a good majority of those people didn’t do? They didn’t vote. Even with all of that star power. Even with Sander’s endorsement. Even with Obama using that smooth baritone voice to tell us to go vote for her, she still lost.

And now a vocal minority of those who didn’t vote are doing things totally contradictory of the message of tolerance that was a large part of the Clinton campaign. I am not against protesting, sometimes that is the only way to truly be heard. But what I am against is this whole culture of hiding behind hashtags and then crying foul and needing a safe space when met with any type of opposition. I say this because currently the big hashtag movement that seems to be the way people are claiming to be activists is the whole #NOTMYPRESIDENT deal. And this bothers me because while I understand the message they are trying to convey, the problem is that like him or not YES Trump IS YOUR PRESIDENT. As much as Obama was the president for all those who disliked him for their various reasons (READ: all those who were too afraid to admit they disliked him for being black). I’m not saying that those who don’t like the results of the election have to quietly resign themselves to holding hands and singing Kumbaya with those who they don’t know if they are one of the “bad ones”, but I am saying that at this moment, acting out only makes things worse.

The right needs to realize that while they may not all be racist or hateful, they voted and aligned themselves with people who are, and it is now also their responsibility to get their people in check. Because not doing anything about the injustices you KNOW are being committed right in front of you makes you complicit to their actions. And even worse, it proves you are accepting of said actions.

The left needs to realize that there is a world that exists outside of their own echo chambers. They also need to learn to engage people in ways that will likely offend others, and know that THAT IS OK! You can’t always be PC. Because when you constantly coddle and give participation awards and sprinkle sugar to sweeten sour truths, your create a culture of cream puff, soft baked forum activists who only want to feel like they are part of the movement by sharing an article or typing out 1500 word diatribes (like this one), but wont actually get out there and BE the change they so desperately want.

It’s going to be an interesting 4 years. I don’t like what’s happening around me right now, from EITHER SIDE. But I am willing to work with those I may not necessarily agree with, but only if they are also willing to be as accepting and tolerant as they claim to be. I am willing to give now President Elect Trump the chance to show he isn’t the villain he so proudly portrayed himself as to get to this position.

The sun will keep rising. We will be ok. We as a nation have survived worse.

I love you all.

AND THAT’S REAL TALK!!!!

REAL TALK with DeMo 20.0: Out of your comfort zone

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST WILL OFFEND SOME. FOR THIS I CANNOT APOLOGIZE. I AM GOING TO BE SPEAKING ON THINGS FROM A VERY SUBJECTIVE AND DEEPLY PERSONAL VIEW. I AM USING MY PAGE AS A FORUM TO EXPRESS MYSELF, TO VENT, AND TO PROMOTE OPEN DISCUSSION. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS AND READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!

As a person of color (please tell me you noticed im black right) I have to say that even with all the iniquities and racial tension going on in the world, I am extremely impressed with how the various forms of popular media like television, movies, and gaming have chosen to address them.

Shows like Luke Cage and Empire have been unapologetic in their depictions of the adversities African Americans deal with. Two weeks ago the episode of Empire ended with a main charcater being a victim of abuse of force for simply being black in the wrong neighborhood. He was compliant yet still taken down. This was a very realistic approach to the issue. Luke Cage has taken a more fantastical yet even more surreal approach by having Luke constantly depicted wearing a hoodie while being bombarded with bullets. At one time he was wearing a simple grey hood, giving a very pointed allusion to the shooting death of Trayvon Martin. This imagery was no more powerful than during the “Bulletproof Love” musical segment.

In the realm of gaming, two popular sports franchises, Fifa 17 and NBA 2K17, have included story modes where the main protagonist is a person of color. And you take them from the streets with humble beginnings all the way to the pinnacle of their game. While this may offend some in the African American community, because they feel the only way we are given shine is through something sports related, it has to be noted that representation matters. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, isn’t that the saying? Be thankful for this opportunity and support the positive movement.

Now I will say that the movement and representation is reaching a peak with the release of Mafia III. I will NEVER be the one to tell someone how to spend their money, but I will say that I am 100% buying this game, if only because 2K is being bold enough to take a game series that revolves around the mob, a traditionally italian/caucasian world, but frame the story and tell it from the perspective of a black man who’s on the opposite side of their operations. Not only is the main player characater a black man, but the story is set in the American South in 1968. And its already been shown that you will run into racial inequality, be it in the form of class separation in the various areas you explore, or how law enforcement will react differently to you in more affluent areas of the city, all the way to running headlong into the game’s version of the KKK. And by the game taking place in 1968, I am all but confident they will tackle the assassination of Dr. King and how that will affect race relations in the game’s version of the south. This is a LOUD statement and I applaud them for taking such a huge risk with a known AAA franchise.

Now it has been reported that these stances the different forms of media have taken have made people angry. They don’t want their shows or games making these big political statements. Some have taken to the internet to spew vitriol while others are outright saying they will boycott or speak with their wallet. But the truth is that if this is their reaction, it proves that they are acknowledging there IS an issue with the way things are, they just dont like having it shown to them because it makes them “uncomfortable”.

Well if seeing that on your television or in your gaming offends you or takes you out of your comfort zone….how do you think it makes those who have to live it feel?

AND THATS REAL TALK!!!!

REAL TALK with DeMo 19.0: Toxicity

DISCLAIMER: I GUARANTEE THIS POST WILL OFFEND SOME. FOR THIS I CANNOT APOLOGIZE. I AM GOING TO BE SPEAKING ON THINGS FROM A VERY SUBJECTIVE AND DEEPLY PERSONAL VIEW. I AM USING MY PAGE AS A FORUM TO EXPRESS MYSELF AND TO VENT. IF YOU FEEL SOMETHING IS ABOUT YOU….THATS TOTALLY ON YOU….AND MAYBE IT IS. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS AND READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!

I like to think of myself as a generally compassionate, reasonable, and pragmatic individual. I try to see everything from a practical, logical, and realistic standpoint. This has been something that’s worked for me in my interpersonal interactions because when someone brings something to me, be it a personal issue or something larger, they can be rest assured I am going to approach their problem in a way where I will try to come to the best possible solution. I tend to not just speak on something unless I have done my own personal research into the matter and have gathered the most possible information. Conversely this has worked against me because my phlegmatic temperament and stoicism is often, and quite annoyingly may I add, misconstrued as apathy or even condescension. This has been a problem that I have dealt with through most of my adult life. On one hand, people respect that I am virtually a compendium of knowledge and sound advice. But on the other hand, other people always have this feeling that I think I am “better than” them, and this is not true in the least. Its never been true. Dare I say its always been the exact opposite, I feel like I am always seeking the acceptance of others because I have never truly been someone who “fit in” as it were. Yeah the past 3 years have changed a whole lot about me, but just a little over 3 short years ago I was nearly 400lbs, unemployed, and dealing with the reality of parenthood. Yet somehow even through that struggle, there’s still the negative chatter?

For years, I have dealt with this in various ways. One way was to internalize it, to look at it as if maybe there was something I may have been doing wrong. To always take blame and concede myself, even when I knew I was right about something, for fear of creating conflict. I would simply keep quiet, which then got me labeled as secretive or accused of withholding pertinent information. And it got me nowhere. It only allowed others to think they could always bulldog me into decisions and to use me as a scapegoat for their own misdeeds. The other way was to own it, take that person that others were going to call me anyways and to “give em what they want”. With an almost laser like focus and ice cold precision I would strive to soak up any and all knowledge about whatever it was I was into, and had no qualm about letting it be known if you tried to challenge me on said knowledge. I became more outspoken at the cost of now being labeled an asshole. Neither of those truly made me happy because while each is a facet, neither was who I truly am.

I do hope the issue I am having is being conveyed properly. It sucks to not be able to connect to or ever feel like you can simply satisfy or even trust those that you call your friends. Now, lets make it even worse. What happens when both sides of the problem come from the same people?

Its all so frustrating….and I have to get extremely REAL with you all right now. Its broken me.  There is no reason that on Saturday April 30th at 1:18pm that I, a 34 year old man, should have been sitting alone in my “game room”, surrounded by every toy a boy could want, sobbing and having a straight up breakdown.

Maybe its because my daughter was away for a few days leaving me basically alone with my thoughts, maybe it was because I had a coincidental extended period of time off of work that took me out of my routine, maybe it was a combination of both. Either way it all effected me in such a way that I had to retreat and regroup for a few days. It’s at those moments when you are at your lowest, when you have nothing else to give, that’s when you find out who’s truly there for you. And I came to a very clear decision.

I CAN NO LONGER BE INVOLVED IN TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

I just can’t do it anymore. I have tried and tried and tried. And its killing me slowly. Its stifling my own creativity and forward progression. Outside of this blog, I haven’t written ANYTHING in nearly 3 weeks. I haven’t done a live stream in over a week. I haven’t nurtured the seeds that I have planted for my own growth. I have started to build a brand for myself. I have opportunities lined up in front of me, and I am allowing the negativity of others to keep me from achieving my goals I set for myself. No matter how much effort I put forth, its apparent that there are just people that I have grown apart from or that I just don’t vibe with at this stage in my life, and I question if I ever did. It doesn’t matter if I have known you for 10 days, 10 months, or over 10 years, I just HAVE TO let a good number of people go. It’s impossible to please everyone, and some people only want to control who you are. They want to dictate how you feel. They want their feelings to take precedence over your own principles. They want you to be who they want you to be, and cannot accept who you are, nor do they care to get to know who you are, only who they perceive you to be. And the instant they can no longer control you as a person, they set out to control your image to others, which can be extremely damaging. Its ALWAYS what “you did” or how “you made” them feel, and NEVER what can “we” do to find common ground. This doesn’t mean always seeing eye to eye and being in perfect synchronicity, because that would mean there would be no sense of individuality, but it does mean being able to accept constructive….even sometimes harsh criticisms and instead of choosing to rebel, choosing to reflect.

 

If the only time I hear from you is to talk about someone else, THAT’S TOXIC. This doesn’t mean that you cannot talk to me about an issue you may be having, but it becomes very exhausting to constantly have to hear negative things about someone else. And don’t expect me to be partial to you just because you came to me. If I feel you are wrong, I will tell you that’s how I feel. If that’s somehow offensive, I’m sorry for offending you, but I am not sorry for holding true to my own beliefs. Friendships aren’t about rallying troops to your side and always having people that will defend you or validate you on everything you do. You can be wrong. A real friend will call you out and still love you.

If you claim to “know” me, but don’t have any idea what type of music I like, what my hobbies are, or even where the hell I am from, yet feel you can tell others “who I am”, THAT’S TOXIC. The length of time someone has been in my life doesn’t automatically mean that they have actually taken the time to get to know who I am and what I stand for. There’s people who have known me since school, who couldn’t tell you a single MEANINGFUL fact about me as a person. Yet there’s others who have known me for a fraction of that time that have gone beyond the surface and gotten to know me intimately. Strangers become friends. Friends become strangers. Its a fact of life.

If you have a boyfriend, yet the only time I hear from you is when you want positive reinforcement or when he’s “messing up” and you think you’re going keep coming to me about those problems and taking those frustrations out on me, THAT’S TOXIC. This cant be any more cut and dry. I’m done being the emotional tampon and pin cushion. Honestly this could be my fault for even making myself available. But over time I have realized that this becomes more of a need for attention or that emotional substantiation that’s not coming from your partner and its wholly unfair to expect to come from me. I owe you nothing to be honest. And it makes for issues in my own personal life.

If you always come to me about helping someone else, but have never been around when I needed help, THAT’S TOXIC. Wanna know a secret? I have helped more than a few people in my day. I do quite a bit of stuff that lots of you will never ever know about, because you don’t do good deeds for others looking for praise or something in return. You just do them. I give and I give and I give, but because its not seen, some think it doesn’t happen and use this as justification to call me out of my name or question my character.  I can’t tell you how many times I would get a message or a phone call from someone looking for help for a third party, be it for a bill they were behind on, or something for their home, or their kids needed something, or they simply needed a solid to last them awhile. I would then turn around and of my own volition either give my portion anonymously to the person who contacted me I would or contact the third party seeking help. And since we are on that note….

If you call me for help, take my help, and then co-sign with someone else spreading negativity about me, THAT’S TOXIC. Oh this one burns me up to no end. If you hit me up and need something, and I go out of my way to give it to you, then the next thing I know it comes back to me that you agreed when somebody else used my name and the world selfish in the same sentence, you best believe you just burned a bridge. You know who you are, I don’t have to call you out by name. Im a forgiving individual, but my generosity does have limits.

If I open my door to you, break bread with you, and let you in my life, yet you constantly find something to be at odds about, THAT’S TOXIC. I am a deeply private person. It may not seem that way because I seemingly put a whole lot in my blogs and writing, but I am extremely protective of my personal life. I keep my romantic relationships private and I keep my family life private. This doesn’t mean that I have things to hide, it just means that those are aspects of my life that aren’t privileged to everyone. Especially my family life. If I let you around my daughter, trust me, you’re golden. If I think enough of you to let you into either of those aspects of my life, I have a degree of trust and respect for you that’s valuable. At least it is to me. If you don’t see the value in that and constantly want to be at odds over trivial and menial matters, then maybe its best I love you from the outside, feel me? They sell long handled spoons, you can be fed from one of those.

If you find a way to flip my all my life positives into negatives, THAT’S TOXIC. I have an awesome collection of videogames and pop culture memorabilia. That’s cool. I don’t have it or show it to all of you to try and put myself on a pedestal or to show off what I got. I have it because all those things are a large part of who I am and gaming culture is something I feel needs to be preserved. I have sacrificed for quite a few pieces and there are pieces I want that I may never have. I started writing for MY OWN website. That’s cool. I didn’t do it because I wanted to be better than anyone else or pretend I am any of the larger websites that cover similar content. I did it because I got tired of my talents going to waste, and having a website take my work and then stiff me on payment for said work was the last straw for me. Those are just two examples, but its that sort of thing that’s really wearing thin on me. Would you believe I got told to not tag someone in my writing because they felt I was self-promoting myself on their page? Or how about I was also told by someone else they couldn’t support my writing because they don’t agree with everything I say? But then turned around and needed something from me….let that marinate. I gotta call that for what it is, that’s bullshit and that’s jealousy, and I don’t need that in my life.

I didn’t say all this because I want people to come to me or I am looking for any type of attention. I said all this because I NEEDED to say it. It felt good to simply type it out and look at it. I was actually apprehensive about even publishing this. But a friend told me that there was no need for me to disappear from the lives of those who actually value my presence in theirs or to censor myself.  Some have already come to me prior to this writing because they felt something wasn’t right with me as of late, others probably could care less. People are going to talk no matter what, be it good or bad. So maybe its best to put myself out there and see what happens.

AND THAT’S REAL TALK!!!!

REAL TALK with DeMo 18.0: “THAT” Valentine’s post….

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST WILL OFFEND SOME. FOR THIS I CANNOT APOLOGIZE. I AM GOING TO BE SPEAKING ON THINGS FROM A VERY SUBJECTIVE AND DEEPLY PERSONAL VIEW. I AM USING MY PAGE AS A FORUM TO EXPRESS MYSELF AND VENT. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS AND READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!

It’s that time of year, yes its VALENTINE’S DAY!!!! Storefronts are all pink and red hearts, oversized (and overpriced) stuffed animals are clogging endcaps, flowers (and allergic reactions) are in full bloom, and all that sweet glorious chocolate is just taunting me.

mmmmmm chocolate, you will be mine very soon. all up in my belly. so yummy in my tummy….yet I digress.

Without losing my train of thought here, let’s just say it ‘s a very special time of year for all the couples and those who are boo’d up. It’s the day where affection is on display and love is most definitely in the air. If you are one of those lucky people who are caught up in the throes of love and you’re truly and deeply enamored with your significant other, know that I am very happy for you. It feels good to see the union of two individuals, watching how someone can grow so much, just by being with another person. All in all, it makes me happy to see my friends happy.

But on the flip side of this, please know there are people who aren’t as fortunate to have found that perfect love. Or are struggling to build on top of a foundation that proved weak. There are those who have tried and tried, and have just failed to achieve that feeling. And its not always a boo hoo woe is me, let’s throw a pity party situation. Sometimes life just happens differently for different people. I am one of those people.

AND HERE COMES THE PERSONAL STUFF

When it comes to the idea of romantic love and what can come from it, at times I believe I am totally disenchanted with the idea. I guess you could say im broken. Its not that I dont believe, but I dont know where to start feeling again. My walls are so high now and im so guarded. To make a long story short, I have extreme trust issues. But how can I not? It does something to a man’s self esteem to find out that while you’re going to work at night, that the person you put all your trust into was seeing someone else. That’s downright damaging, straight to your core. The feelings are made more difficult to deal with when compounded with the fact that I am still settling into my new body. Yes im over two years out and I still learn new things everyday. But I haven’t unleashed that superficial monster that I feel is inside. I mean, im noticed a whole lot more now. The compliments come in. I can go out and approach females more freely. I have a new confidence. But I can’t allow myself to go take advantage of whats there, just because its there. Im afraid to. Im afraid of becoming exactly the type of person that participated in what was done to me. I wouldnt wish this type of hurt or feeling of inadequacy on my worst enemy. That’s what happens when you find out that someone you are intimate with is then intimate with another….you feel inadequate. You question your own worth. You question what you did wrong. You question what you could have done to prevent it. You question why you weren’t enough. No amount of being told you didnt do anything ever truly makes it right. You can forgive (and I have), but it never fixes you.

And then those feelings of inadequacy transform into anger. An anger that can’t be contained….or focused. Naturally yes, you’re angry with your partner/mate, but you’re also angry with the other(s) involved. Then that turns into anger with all of their friends or family who also knew. People who helped them keep this secret, but all the while still continued to be around you as if nothing was wrong. This creates an intense feeling of contempt towards those people. As much as you already feel disrespected, you feel even more disrespect knowing they had people who were almost accomplices in the matter. Accomplices who looked you in the face, called you family, took from you, and broke bread with you….yet thought so little of you. Ive heard all the excuses about how they may not have felt it was their place to tell you. And im sorry but I have to call bullshit. It’s not that they didnt feel it was their place to tell you, but they were protecting the interests of the person who was doing you wrong. They were afraid of what could happen if you found out, and how it would hurt their friend/family member. So they chose to instead allow you to be hurt, because your worth to them is much less. Whats sad is that they had to have known that once it was found out, that it was going to be worse when it eventually blew up in the other person’s face. And when the truth finally comes out, and you finally found out what happened on top of how long it went on….you lose all kinds of respect for anyone and everyone that was involved or knew. Which as I said, turns into an anger that’s tough to deal with.

On top of all that, what’s worse is that in today’s society it seems that men are ostracized or ridiculed for having any type of emotion about this sort of thing. Even though women are just as shady, greedy, lustful and downright dirty as they want to portray men to be. We are all human, so if a person has it in them to do some bad shit, they are gonna do it, regardless of what’s between their legs. But seeing as how “im a man”, im supposed to pick myself up by my dick and just go fuck someone else, right? Unfortunately im not built that way. So that makes me soft. Im deemed less of a man, for being hurt, by a woman. Oh and did I mention, that somehow what happened is still my fault? THESE ARE DIRECT QUOTES FROM HER FRIENDS TWEETS/COMMENTS “he probably wasn’t innocent either, you just got caught before he did” “if he was doing what he was supposed to be doing at home, you wouldnt have had to go looking somewhere else” “men have been doing it for years, dont feel bad” I ask, what kind of shit is that? Its downright sickening how this new twisted version of extreme feminism works. So not only are other women justifying something they wouldnt want done to them, but they are cheering it on as if its some kind of victory for all females. But nowadays if you call a woman out for this type of behavior, its misogynistc or its somehow restricting or violating her freedom of sexual expression. So not only am I tasked with carrying the weight of it all, but she’s all but absolved of any accountability by her peers.

As far as carrying the weight of it all, that’s actually very accurate in its description because what your partner/mate doesnt realize is that while they may have felt some kind of guilt for all the time they were engaged in what they were doing, once it starts to come out and the truth is revealed, all of that weight is then placed on the wronged party. The person(s) they were stepping out on you with could care less about what happens to them now or the mess that’s left in their, and now your life. They can continue to go on to live their life, they can continue to be with who they were with, they can get married, they can pretend nothing ever happened. While youre left to attempt to make sense of it and pick up the pieces. Which then does something to the psyche of the one they were with, meaning now you have to carry the weight of what they did to you but also carry their hurt from the realization they really meant absolutely fucking zero to the people they were risking themselves for. And thats exactly what it is. They meant NOTHING. I mean lets look at it realistically. She’s out cheating with X man, who’s already involved with Y woman. But what makes her think that X man is ever going to give her anything more than what he is, which is him getting his own rocks off, at her expense? He will never commit to you, any more so than the person youre cheating on because he sees that if you will do that to another man, what would you do to him? Its simple math.

Ive been told I need to just “get over it”, but nobody has been able to tell me HOW to do so. Everyone seems to be an expert on things, yet I question their own experiences. If you have the answer, indulge me. SHARE. Let me know how to better deal with things. How do you trust again? How do you find the person that you once were? Is it even possible to think about being anything more than you were before? Women seem to always crave a title from a man, but when the bond associated with said title is broken, how can she ever expect to get anything else out of you? And that’s kind of where im at. Ive come to the conclusion that quite possibly my daughter will be the only girl that ever gets my name. I can be ok with that. If thats what life has for me, then so be it.

Its all so frustrating to deal with. Quite frankly im tired of it. Im tired of putting on a happy face and pretending to be happy, when im really downright furious. And this whole holiday is just a reminder of how much I dont ever want to be fooled again. So pardon me if I seem like The Grinch or Mr. Scrooge right now. But as much as I am respecting your right to enjoy all the good feelings this holiday brings out, please respect my (and others) hurt/pain and not wanting to participate or have it shoved in our faces.

Oh and my right to buy all the candy on february 15th then wait for Street Fighter V to drop so I can disappear and deal with this anger on the sticks. Please.

Unless you want to catch the hell that’s brewing inside me….

AND THAT’S REAL TALK!!!!

REAL TALK with DeMo quickie: Captain America: Civil War featuring Cassio Logic

So last night, Marvel dropped a bomb on us all in the form of the Captain America: Civil War trailer.

Now if you havent seen it, see the attached video and watch it with Cassio.

In my opinion, the second Cap film was the best thus far from the MCU, and just judging from the trailer, this looks to top that.

We can see Cap, Bucky, Iron Man, War Machine, Black Widow, and Black Panther. And we know Ant Man and even Spider-Man are set to appear and play a role. I cant even begin to tell you all how excited I am to see this next year.

But now lets discuss….who’s side are you on?

Personally I have to ride with Cap on this one, and not just because of Chris Evans (man crush) or because im a Cap fan. Yes Bucky did some terrible things while brainwashed, but so did Hawkeye, who was complicit in the alien attack that pretty much set all of this in motion. And now hes a mainstay on the Avengers team.

Eerily there can be parallels drawn to real world situations. Yes there are bad “enhanced” individuals out there, but is it necessary to expose and possibly condemn all of them out of ignorance and fear? These people have loved ones they want to protect and maybe they just want to live peacefully.

Where does the line get drawn? Does registration lead to segregation? Segregation to internment camps? See the slippery slope we are on….

So what do you think? Sound off in the comments either here or in the vid.

 

REAL TALK with DeMo 17.0: CREED….more than just a name?

CREED

krēd

noun

A set of beliefs or aims that guide someone’s actions

Dont worry, I did that for a reason.

THERE WILL BE VERY BASIC PLOT SPOILERS AHEAD!!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!

Back in July I did a review for Southpaw, saying it was the first of the TWO big time boxing movies for this year. Well here we are in November, and the second of those two movies is set to come out, that being Creed. Once again I have been given the amazing opportunity to screen a movie before its release to the public, so naturally I have to give you all my thoughts, right?

I can’t think of a witty way to segue into the topic, so let’s just get into it shall we….

Creed, the next installment in the long running Rocky series, starring Sylvester Stallone, Tessa Thompson, Tony Bellew, Phylicia Rashad, and Michael B. Jordan as the titular character, was an absolutely PHENOMENAL film. I saw it free but it was well worth the price of admission. In fact I will likely, no I WILL be seeing it again, maybe more than once, and I will own it when it comes out on bluray.

But what makes it so good? I mean, at its core, it’s just another boxing movie that deals with the same basic plotlines and tropes that all other boxing movies deal with. And its been proven that boxing movies very rarely deviate from one of these two plotlines

1. Young upstart boxer tries to make name for himself in the face of adversity. Be it social, racial, economic or any combination of the three. The “triumph” story. Usually involves the tutelage of grizzled veteran who drops anecdotes that teach the upstart that his problems aren’t so different than the ones he faced before him.

OR

2. Established boxer who has it all loses it all, be it figuratively or literally, and has to build himself back up to find the passion he once had. The “redemption” story. Usually involves the tutelage of grizzled veteran who drops anecdotes that teach the champ that his problems aren’t so different than the ones he faced before him.

You would be hard pressed to find a boxing film that doesn’t follow one of these. So what makes this movie stand out, or rather whats made the entire Rocky series stand out, is the fact that it so eloquently went from being the first, to the second, and now right back to the first. Rocky started off as the young upstart, the ne’er-do-well from the streets, who only used his talents as a means to get by. Going from fight to fight, getting a little cash to pay the bills and make a living. It was only by extraordinary circumstance that he was given the opportunity to face the person who would be presented initially as the antagonist, but would soon be seen as Rocky’s greatest rival and friend, Apollo Creed. I do hope if you’re reading this you know of the bond that was formed between Rocky and Apollo across the first four films, until the time of Apollo’s eventual death at the hands of Ivan Drago. This bond was one of the greatest story arcs of growth, failure, perseverance, friendship, and loss told in the medium.

Well the story of the movie Creed follows Adonis Johnson (Michael B. Jordan), the illegitimate son of Apollo from an affair, thus why he goes by the name of Johnson and not Creed. Given the circumstance of his lineage, he never met his father, so in his formative years as a youngster he wasnt afforded the luxuries that go along with the name. He was the ne’er-do-well, raised by the system, fighting not only as a means of survival, but as a means to have a connection to the father he never truly knew. After Apollo’s death, his wife Mary Anne Creed (the role taken over brilliantly by Phylicia Rashad), seeks out the boy and takes him in. So overnight his life changes from rags to riches. But what drives him is fighting, it’s what he knows. So he sets his sights on making it as a fighter, but his “creed” (remember that definition from earlier, there’s the payoff) is that he wants to do it on his own merit, and not just be handed opportunity by virtue of his father’s legacy. But to be the best he can be, he seeks out the tutelage of the one man to defeat his father….that person being Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone).

As far as plot, that’s all im going to give you, but I will say that the torch has been passed. But fret not because at its core, this is still a “Rocky” movie, but for a new generation. Whereas before in a previous installment (Rocky V) they failed to make that connection and bridge the gap, this movie has effectively handed off the baton and is off and running on its own. A deeply layered character driven drama that just so happens to center around boxing. This is an amazing story that hits all the right notes at the right time. You become invested in each and every character, even the antagonist, who isn’t just some cookie cutter bad guy. Even he is somebody who’s motivation you get behind and can even sympathize with. This was what made the Rocky vs. Apollo story so compelling, was that you understood both characters, and thats mirrored here.

But outside of that its got everything you expect. The training montage. The familiar music. The cinematography, ESPECIALLY in the expertly shot fight scenes that absolutely HAVE to be seen to be believed, trust me. The way the boxing scenes are presented totally floored me. I simply can’t recommend it enough.

You really need to see this movie. Creed is most certainly more than just a name. AND THAT’S REAL TALK!!!!

REAL TALK with DeMo 16.0: The reality of the world we all live in….

Ive debated making this post, but at my age and at this stage I feel that if I cant say these sorts of things to my friends then theres an issue. I dont doubt this will draw the ire of some and likely cause some to block/delete me, and that’s fine but I cant silence my feelings.

*sigh*

Here we go….

I shared a video earlier about the situation in Texas where the 14 year old boy was arrested, detained, and interrogated WITH NO LAWYER or PARENTAL REPRESENTATION for bringing a homemade clock to his engineering class.

The kicker to the situation is that the boy happens to be muslim. I know that not every single detail will be presented by the media but theres enough there to reasonably say this was a case of pure racial profiling.

I get that sometimes people wont see eye to eye but im going to be very honest and say that every time one of these situations happens and its spoken about, it bothers me that theres always those who say

“well it happens to white people too”

Then proceed to share story thats just similar enough to draw loose parallels to it.

Let me be clear with all of you. I have NEVER said that these things dont happen across the board. NEVER. Anybody who tries to claim I have said otherwise I will stand and defend myself. But what I have been saying is that these situations have been occurring much more frequently and in ridiculous contrast to “persons of color” in recent years. Young men, women, and even children having their rights violated and losing their lives simply because of something they cannot change.

And in the case of the young muslim boy, it disgusts me because not only was this pure blind fear and underlying bigotry that causer this reaction, but it really negates everything we as a people are meant to stand for.

Things as awesome as this young man’s curiosity, creativity and ingenuity have all been stripped from him because he did something likely none of us could do. I damn sure know I cant build a homemade clock. Thats talent that shouldve been fed, nurtured, and celebrated. Instead this young man got a sharp dose of the reality of how his superiors hes meant to look up to….look down on him.

As a BLACK man raising an interracial child, im not going to sit and pretend that there arent problems in this nation that I have to be aware of and know will affect my child in her future. When she goes to school and has to do her tests, she cant fill in the caucasian bubble. On her future job/college applications she cant say shes caucasian. No matter what, my child can NEVER ever claim her “white” side, because she will always be seen as black, especially if something bad happens. This is a privilege she will never be afforded. This isnt me keeping race issues alive, this is me knowing the reality of the world I live in.

The very meaning of privilege means not having to worry about something because it doesnt affect one personally. And some people very clearly dont see their privileges.

Long story short, heres the deal….how are WE as a nation, as a people ever supposed to open any dialogue about change and resolution if we cant first acknowledge that theres a problem that needs to be resolved to begin with?

AND THATS REAL TALK!!!!

REAL TALK with DeMo 15.0: Wise words from a “scalper”

In a few short hours, at least here on the east coast, just a little longer on the west, GameStop stores nationwide will be opening their doors ONE HOUR EARLY, to open preorders up for the next set Amiibo (yes, thats plural….ITS NOT AMIIBOS). They are specifically offering up preorders for the retro 3 pack, which includes the characters R.O.B, Mr. Game & Watch, and Duck Hunt. I personally really REALLY want that R.O.B (I would love to get the Japanese exclusive Famicom version) so to insure my chances of getting him, you best believe im going to be heading to my local store once I get off work.

But let me give you a very fair warning

DO NOT GO AND TRY TO BUY THESE IN BULK LOOKING TO MAKE A PROFIT!!!!

and here’s why….

THE STORES WILL HAVE PLENTY OF AVAILABLE UNITS. Now I understand this may not apply to every store in every single city, but the lowest alottment I have seen is 24, and the highest I have seen is around 100. This is pretty damn good to be honest. And just like the recent release of Dark Pit, you can definitely expect there to still be some available if you are at least halfway diligent about getting there. This doesnt mean wait until mid afternoon and try to stroll in there and get it after being lazy all day. But I can make a pretty safe bet that outside of major metropolitan areas, that NO store will burn through all of their available stock within the first hour or so of opening. Especially considering that with all of the backlash of “scalping” and online profiteering, that stores have gotten smart and started restricting purchases to 1 per account. Yes theres always a loophole around this and people will always find ways to get more but I implore them not to.

THE BUBBLE HAS BURST. I know, its hard to believe, but Nintendo seems to have finally gotten a grasp on this whole supply and demand thing. They are pumping out and delivering more of these in greater numbers. Even the most sought after ones have seen a recent restock. I live in small town North Carolina, and I can now say I have seen every single amiibo on a shelf at retail. I have tried to tell people that this was going to happen for quite awhile, and now its finally seem to have come to fruition. But that initial craze these things caused has passed. There are no more days of flipping 200% (or more) profit on a single $12.99 toy. And for all those people who sat on them waiting to try and make a mint off of someone in the future….Sorry about your damn luck. Because the value on these has decreased sharply in the last 6 weeks. I was smart, I saw that with the debacle that was the wave 4 launch, and then the announcement of all the new waves in the coming months, that the market was going to become overly saturated with these, and that building a complete set FOR PROFIT would be more trouble than its worth. So what did I do? I took that opportunity before wave 4 dropped and I sold my amiibo while the values were peaking. Undercut the max value by at least 15%, made attractive bundles, and still turned a quite nice profit. I know my actions will likely be met by some with vitriol, and YES I took advantage of the opportunity, but I have no regrets. I was always a more than honest seller. But I prided myself in that I never paid more than retail for an amiibo, and I only bought amiibo with other amiibo. I also used what I made to buy my daughter her first bicycle, got some repairs done to my car, paid off a ticket I got rushing to get Meta Knight, paid off my 20th anniversary PS4 accessories, Metal Gear Solid V limited edition, and both of my contributions to the Bloodstained kickstarter. They also allowed me to get a few pieces I had been looking for in my true passion, and thats retro game collecting.

Now thats not to say that their popularity has decreased, because that surely isnt the case. These are still the IT item for Nintendo currently, but they are now more readily available. And while theres still a minority that are holding out and only want the “1st prints”, for those who plan to open them, this doesnt matter so they are willing to buy the reprints, which significantly drops the value of those that were being held to sell later. I have seen all the old unicorns like Villager selling for about half of their max value as of late. And this is EXACTLY what the community has been asking for. Its just unfortunate that some people held on for just a little too long expecting to get max profit, and they missed their window. I know this probably stings or rubs certain people the wrong way, but please understand that its not my intention to offend. Im just speaking my mind on the matter.

Just like the craze of Beanie Babies in the 90’s….the fever has died down.

AND THATS REAL TALK!!!!

DeMo’s New Journey 6.0: the terrible 2’s

I know….im a horrible person. I apologize.

Its been nearly two full years since I made an entry into THIS particular part of my journal, which basically focuses strictly on my surgery and how its changed me. Oh ive definitely done REAL TALK entries, but ive sorely neglected talking about my NEW (formerly new 52 and well not so new now) journey. Ive teased a few times that I would, but I never did it. And as stated before, I apologize. But here we are, and im celebrating my 2 year surgiverssary. How are things? Read on and find out. But before I do that, let me hit you all with my

DISCLAIMER: I am going to touch on some very personal and controversial subjects and I will probably say some things that are likely to offend some, maybe even cause some people to un-friend me. For that I can not apologize. This is my journal and I am only expressing how I feel. If anything I say offends you, maybe you should think about 1. if you are guilty of what I am speaking of and 2. how it really affects you. I will also be speaking about things in a very frank, blunt, and maybe even graphic nature. So read on at your own risk.

So where do I begin? I guess I could start with my new readers. For those who dont know, or those who need a refresher, two years ago on July 30th, 2013, at roughly around 6:48am I was being drugged up and dragged naked into a seedy back room in a Mexican chop shop. Just playing, but I was preparing to undergo bariatric surgery. Not that it needs to be explained any other way than I wasnt happy, I was 32, unmarried, I was pushing 365lbs, and I had a 1 year old daughter whose life I NEEDED to be a part of. Not for her, but for myself. That little girl’s mere existence saved me from myself. And I made a promise to her before she was even born that I would do whatever it took to make sure she had everything she ever wanted or needed and that the last thing that would ever take me from her would be my weight/health. Theres more to that as well, as in I wanted to be able to set a healthy precedent for her and show her better habits through my own actions. I also never ever wanted her to have to suffer through being teased because of me.

So whats new? Whats changed?

Lets start with the basics. Im now 34. ummmmm im still unmarried. But yeah I lost weight. Quite a bit of it. As of my last weigh in, I was down 141 lbs total. Im still adjusting to this though. I admit I still have body issues. Even thought im complimented all the time, and I know something is different, it doesnt change what I see in the mirror. Its very hard to alter your self image when its all youve known your entire life. Now make no mistake, this does NOT mean that im not happy with who I am now. Oh I love me some me. Shrinkles (areas of loose skin) and all. I know theres a difference. I can tell in the clothes I wear, I can tell in how I feel, its just hard to look at myself and see EXACTLY what it is that others compliment so much.

Speaking of clothes, I still find myself buying clothes that are too big for me. I went from a 58 inch waist (yeah, that thought really sickens me now) to a 38. Thats 20 whole inches. Almost 2 feet around. To put that into perspective, I wore a 36 in HIGH SCHOOL, and back then I was still teased as being the fat boy. I went from a 3 or 4 XL shirt to just a plain L. I can more than comfortably buy off the rack now, which is a simple achievement that so many people take for granted. Yet as noted, I still buy clothes that are too big. I cant explain it either. Like I will go and look at t-shirts, and I will still opt to pick up the XL or 2XL for some reason. I still buy my pants a size above what I need. No im not keeping up with trends. I dunno, maybe its because I found comfort in hiding in my clothing. I gotta get over this, because I tend to limit myself in my fashion choices even more now than I did before. I know there’s new looks I can pull off, and im genuinely curious about them. I love my sneaker collection and all my nerdy tees but I want to do the geek chic thing. I want to do dressy casual. I want to wear a vest and bowtie. I want to wear a properly fitted suit. I want to wear argyle. I want to rock a pair of suspenders and square toed shoes. I WANT TO COSPLAY. I just havent done it yet.

One thing that does bother me though, is that even having lost a whole person, theres still societal prejudices. See im smaller than I was, but im not skinny. I have shape, and theres muscle, but im not fit. In fact I think the classification I was given was that I am “skinny fat”. Which in and of itself sounds ridiculous. Its just a very sobering thought that even when you alter yourself in such a positive way, that there will always be negativity. For instance, I got a pair of really nice normal fit, boot cut jeans this past holiday. I wear them, and I feel like a million bucks, they have come to be called “them jeans”. But all it took was for one overly critical person to see a picture and tell me that they looked tight to totally throw me for a loop. Ive since gotten over that, but its just the cruel truth that no matter what, skinny or fat, black or white, boy or girl, society will always have an issue with something about you.

Moving forward just like a toddler, im still learning what I can and cant do. What I can and cant eat. And the sad part is that these things can change almost randomly. One day I can, the next day I cant. And this is immensely frustrating beyond anything I can possibly convey. Take for instance one of my absolute favorite dishes….macaroni and cheese. No I aint talking about that boxed stuff, im talking real deal hot melted hoop cheese with a couple of macaroni elbows thrown in for show. I can sit down and eat this one day, and it goes down like a charm. The next it will give me the absolute worst bariatric traumas. So I feel like my diet is on a day to day basis, lest I make myself eat nothing but grilled chicken. And even then, if the chicken is dry or the texture isnt just right, I cant eat it.

Thats another thing thats very hard to swallow (pun intended), and thats how something as simple as texture can ruin a perfectly good dish for me. Now I dont mean texture like coconut or cottage cheese or something thats immediately discernable and instantly disliked. But lets take that macaroni and cheese I spoke of earlier. If its sat in front of me and I eat it, thats great right? But if it REMOTELY cools down and the cheese stiffens or the grease settles, I cant eat it at all. Now I know you say, just reheat it, right? Well that doesnt help because then the grease or whatever doesnt distribute evenly or even the cheese or noodles get too tough, and I cant eat it. And this is all across the board, with virtually any food or drink I want to have. Long story short eating is a real adventure now.

That is unless we are talking about junk food. For some reason, it seems like everything that isnt good for me goes down so easily. I have a hard time eating 2oz of meat, which is protein that I sorely need now. But a handful of cheetos, or m&ms, or a piece of chocolate cake is nothing at all. nom nom nom and all that. I often wonder if thats also something thats mental as well. I know that my intake is limited, so is my mind telling me that I want to use that limited space for all those old vices and things that I know are bad for me but so good to me? This also complicates matters with my little girl, because as noted I want her to SEE me making proper choices, but when daddy either isnt eating or isnt eating right, she feels she can do the same. I cant have this for her. I wont have this for her.

All these issues with something that should be as simple as eating have caused me to become slightly more introverted. Well maybe thats the wrong word, but I am a lot more cautious about going out to eat. I dont mean to be rude to my friends, but inviting me out to eat instantly gives me anxiety. And dont dare utter the curse word “buffet” at me. Thats a world that doesnt exist to me anymore. I have a hard enough time sitting down at a standard restaurant and placing an order without difficulty. Why is it difficult? Well something that lots of people dont know is that bariatric patients cant eat and drink at the same time. Im not supposed to have any liquid intake until 30 or so mins after I eat. So right off the bat, as soon as I sit down and the waiter comes to place menus in our faces and ask for drinks, I already feel awkward because I have to explain to them why I dont want a drink. Ive since started ordering a simple water just as a formality to solve that problem. Then as everyone is looking at all the awesome food in the menu I have to think about what exactly I can eat that is a proper portion size and something that I wont feel like im about to throw away money on. Ive since started to simply get an appetizer to solve that problem. Then when the food comes out and everyone is eating and carrying on, I am taking extremely measured and precise bites to prevent myself from having any type of trauma in public, which then leads people thinking something is wrong with me or questioning “why arent I eating”. Ive since started asking for a carryout box when my dish is brought to me to solve that problem. But I hope this helps you all to understand how even after so long, this still isnt easy at all.

WHOA WHOA WHOA….

I think I owe all my readers dont I? Well I guess if youve sat through the previous 1900 words I can give you a little something right? Theres a topic quite a few people have wanted to know about, and I think its about time we talk about it, so here it is.

SEX!!!!

So you wanna know about it? What can I say?

ITS SO GOOD!!!!

Like I seriously dont even know how to put into proper words how sex since surgery has changed, but its different and so much better now. They say that for every 30 lbs lost that a man’s penis grows a half inch. Well I wish I could say this is true, its not. But I can tell you that ive been told I feel bigger. Now the only natural reason I can think of for this is because theres less of me there to interfere so theres no resistance from my own body when it comes to being “in there”. Basically less belly allows me to go deeper. So if im giving pleasure, then im getting pleasure, which motivates me in the act. One of the greatest benefits from being a healthier person is more energy, meaning I have more stamina, meaning I can go longer. Going longer means I can be more creative, inventive, and definitely more attentive to every small detail. I wont lie, I feel like some kind of sexual dynamo. Ive grown to accept and indulge in my fetishes and such. Oh get your minds out of the gutter, im not talking whips and chains or anything like that. But the confidence boost that I have gotten has allowed me to put more into appreciating the female form and enjoy sex on a whole other level. Yeah, of course, the base physical connection is all well and good. But now I feel like I crave more from that connection. And I want it quite a lot more than I used to and im definitely open to a whole lot more than I was prior to this transformation. Its very hard to explain, all I can say is that im now more in tune with myself and what I like intimately so I feel like I am able to do more for a woman.

All in all, this is still a work in progress. It hasnt been a magic pill. It hasnt been all sunshine and rainbows. Eat whatcha want and the weight will just drop off, right? NOPE. Its been two years of rough times. Its been two years of having to learn by experience. I cant tell you how much time I have spent laid out on a floor or hovering over a toilet because I put something in me that my body said NO to. I cant tell you how much time ive spent still doubting myself. I cant tell you many times ive gotten so mad because I feel like I did this for nothing. I cant tell you about the times ive gotten mad because I wish I could just enjoy food like I used to. But I can tell you that I know I was on that floor or over that toilet because I put myself there. I can tell you that those doubts are something that I have learned will always be there, regardless of size. I do know that I know EXACTLY why I did this every single time I am having fun playing with my daughter. I can tell you that it was enjoying the wrong foods that put me in the wrong place to begin with. And I can tell you that even as terrible as my terrible 2’s have been….I would do it all again.